Loud & Clear, Above the Noise.

For the second time in my life today, I cried while swimming. And it felt surprisingly shiok because I didn’t even have to wipe my face. (Although there was def a need to prevent the other people from noticing a girl adding more taste to the water they were frolicking in.) The first time, i was 12 and it was during a swimming lesson with Eugene, out of frustration (at not being able to defy him, his merciless training,etc.) and sheer fatique. But this time it’s like layers and layers of mixed emotions; much like a series of unfortunate events waiting to befall. Everyone’s been posting happy graduation photos, completely embracing the graduate life. But here I am, trying desperately to cling on to whatever keeps me afloat, grappling with complexities and the list of fucking setbacks Life has been tossing incessantly at me. For me it seems, the worst thing about endings is knowing at the back of your mind that just ahead, is the daunting task of starting over. This only brings me to what has contributed to the bulk of shit lately - University Admissions Exercise 2012/2013. 

As if it’s not a shitty-enough day, NTU and NUS have to send their fucking rejection letters on the same day and it has to be this fateful day when i’m not in the most optimistic condition. I’m pretty convinced that Hell has proper reserved a place in its best facilities for me. Aka, Go straight to the realms of Hell, do not pass “Go” and do not collect $200. 

There was a lot of things I didn’t understand today. There was a lot of things I couldn’t say today. But mostly, there was a lot of things I regretted today. It was very disappointing though, that it was still the same shit going on. (Ok, a little less intense i should say.) But you shouldn’t guess what’s on my mind and introduce your own reasons for my behavior. We shouldn’t have to guess what’s on each other’s mind. I’m a little different now. I’m not angry nor annoyed nor frustrated. I think i’m just very disappointed in you. I shouldn’t have to worry about this happening all the time. Yes, maybe us (girls’ school girls) are really just more, in every way kind of More. (quote Val) 

I guess I will just be very wary. (again)